Thursday, October 29, 2009
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
"He: “There are an awful lot of girls who don’t want to get married.”
She: “How do you know?”
He: “I’'ve asked them.”"
"Two astrologers met each other in the street on a particularly cold and bitter day.
‘Terrible winter we’re having,’ muttered one.
‘Yes,’ replied the other. ‘It reminds me of the winter of 2057.’"
"Judge: ‘How do you plead? Guilty or not guilty?’
Prisoner: ‘How do I know, your honour? I haven’t heard the evidence yet.’"
"The frantic-looking lady came rushing out of her house into the street and cried: ‘Help! Help! My young son has swallowed a coin and is choking. I don’t know what to do!’ Everyone looked the other way, except for a middle-aged gentleman who rushed into the lady’s house, found her young son, turned him upside down and shook him until the coin fell out of his mouth.
‘Oh, thank you!’ cried the lady. ‘Are you a doctor?’
‘No madam,’ replied the middle-aged man. ‘I’m from the Income Tax Department.’"
"A small farm boy was milking his cow when all of a sudden a bull came charging towards him. As horrified workers nearby watched, the boy calmly continued his milking. To everyone’s astonishment, the bull stopped a few inches from the boy, turned around and walked away . ‘Weren’t you afraid?’ one of the workers asked the boy. ‘Not at all,’ the boy replied , ‘I knew this cow was his mother-in-law.’"
"Husband and wife were in the midst of a violent quarrel, and hubby was losing his temper. ‘Be careful,’ he said to his wife. ‘You'’ll bring out the beast in me.’ ‘So what?’ his wife shot back. ‘Who’s afraid of a mouse?’"
"The editor of a small weekly newspaper, annoyed at legislation that had recently been passed, ran a scathing editorial under the headline: HALF OF OUR LEGISLATORS ARE CROOKS. Many prominent local politicians were outraged, and tremendous pressure was exerted on him to retract the statement. He finally succumbed to the pressure and ran an apology with the headline: HALF OF OUR LEGISLATORS ARE NOT CROOKS"
"Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. ‘Give me your money,’ he demanded. Indignant, the affluent man replied, ‘You can’t do this—I’m a politician!’ ‘In that case,’ replied the robber, ‘give me my money!’"
"A judge looked severely at the defendant and asked, ‘How many times have you been imprisoned?’
‘Nine, you Honour.’
‘Nine? In this case, I will give you the maximum sentence.’
‘Maximum sentence?’ said the defendant. ‘Don’t you give your regular clients a discount’."
"After they had brought their first baby home from hospital, a young wife suggested to her husband that he try his hand at changing diapers, ‘I’m busy,’ he said. ‘I’ll do the next one.’
The next time the baby was wet, she asked if he was now ready to learn how to change diapers. He looked puzzled. ‘Oh,’ he replied finally. ‘I didn’t mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby!’"
"A poor man sat begging outside a temple. ‘In the name of Bhagwan give this hungry man some money to fill his belly,” he cried. “Bhagwan will bless you.’ But the devotees gave him very little. In disgust the beggar left the temple and sat outside a country liquor shop. ‘A few paise in the name of Bhagwan,’ he whined. As customers came out of the shop in high spirits, many dropped rupee notes in his bowl. Thanking God, the beggar said: ‘Hey Bhagwan, truly inscrutable are thy ways! You give one address but live in another.’"
"A doctor was called in to see a rather testy aristocrat. “
Well, sir, what’s the matter?” he asked cheerily.
“That, sir,” growled the patient, “is for you to find out.”
“I see,“ said the doctor thought-fully. “Well, if you’ll excuse me for an hour or so I’ll go along and fetch a friend of mine - a veterinarian. He is the only chap I know who can make a diagnosis without asking questions.”"
"Manager - “From your references I see you’'ve had four jobs in the last month.”
Applicant - “Yes, sir, but doesn’'t that shows how much in demand I am?”"
"Teacher: “Who were the first human beings?”
Pupil: “Adam and Eve.”
Teacher: “And what nationality were they?”
Pupil: Indian, of course.”
Teacher: “And how ho you know they were Indian?”
Pupil: “Easy. They had no roof over their heads, no clothes to wear and only one apple between them - and they called it Paradise.”"
"Fred at last could see a way of making a fortune. He had trained his parrot, after month of hard work, to tell jokes. At last he felt ready to cash in on all his hard work, and took the parrot down
to his pub. ‘This is my incredible joke-telling parrot,’ boasted Fred. ‘
Go on ,’ jeered the pub regulars. ‘We’ll give you ten to one that your parrot can’t tell us a joke.’
‘All right,’ replied Fred. ‘I accept your bet.’
But try as he could, Fred was unable to make the parrot talk — let alone tell jokes.
On the way home Fred shook the bird and shouted: ‘What do you mean by keeping quiet? You made me lose a ten to one bet!’
‘Don’t worry!’ squawked the parrot. ‘Tomorrow you’ll be able to get fifty to one.’"
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Over the years I have cultivated the habit of accomplishing important tasks at the eleventh hour. This has worked in most cases. But now I am faced with a new Herculean task of improving my vocabulary for which I am ready to leave no stone unturned. In a nutshell, there is no point for you to read any further as I will harp on some random jargon in this post. To hit the nail on the head, this post is not meant for amusing my dearest readers; it’s meant to aid me in memorizing some idioms and phrases.
I have always obtained and hope to obtain in future too the Yeoman Service of my highly intellectual pals; significant one among them is a friend who has the gift of the gab combined with an oily tongue as evident from the lip-service he gives to the faculty to get his work done. By hook or crook, by fair means or foul he always strives to get as many marks as possible in all the exams. He never has second thoughts when he decides to open a book. His room is always helter skelter with books, but he doesn’t care about it.
Last three years which I spent with this man of letters has led me to believe that by the sweat of his brow he can bear in mind anything that he wishes. It is not possible for anyone to push him to the wall when it comes to mugging up stuff. Over the years he has also learnt to plough a lonely furrow when the situation demands. But whenever he finds a hard nut to crack, he puts his head together with his hostel room neighbour. He never sails close to the wind by not solving any problem in the textbook beforehand and yet keeps his fingers crossed when we ask him how many marks he expects after the exam.
It is quite easy to pull the legs of this non-social creature, which rarely leads to quarrels and even in such cases it is easy to pour oil in troubled waters. Once he was caught red handed reading a book, which he till date denies touching. Looking at the picture if you can smell a rat, you are right. I could keep the pot boiling if I wanted but let me put my cards on the table. I gave him an applied thermodynamics book to read and led him up the garden path and threw dust in his eyes by editing the picture. But this guy always lets the bygones be bygones and never tries to pay off old scores. This guy always keeps his nose clean; however, he will almost always fight tooth and nail if his faith in his Lord is questioned.
Coming back to the point where I started off, I have derived immense inspiration from this man of spirit and have decided to pull my socks up to improve my own vocabulary. So when we got an unexpected vacation of two weeks due to jaundice outbreak in campus, while others painted the town red, I decided to make hay while the sun shines. Or would it be more appropriate to say that I am fishing in troubled waters? For the past few days I have been successfully burning the candle at both ends to ensure that I make the most of these days. Also I turned over a new leaf and started reading some books and newspapers. There is no hard and fast rule, but this generally helps to improve your vocabulary.